I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
