careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I would ride that face into the sunset
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
