Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Randomize
