I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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