I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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