You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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