I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize