I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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