Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
