John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Randomize
