there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
