He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
