someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
