I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
