I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
