Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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