how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
