I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I faked an abortion last night.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
