ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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