Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
We need to get me chipped asap
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
