I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
