I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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