No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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