Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
