one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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