my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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