Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
you would pick up someone in the library
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
