The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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