he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
