after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
