2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
