When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
my liver is dry heaving
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
