I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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