"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
