Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
