all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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