the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
