That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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