The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
