There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
