I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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