I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
