you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
