i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
