he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
