I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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