My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
