He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
