I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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