I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just found a bag of teeth...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
