One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
