I feel like abortions should bother me more
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
